Characters:
Narrator
Dr. Fast
Bumblebee
Argus Panoptes
Stallion
Broadband
Voodoo Lady

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: The Earth Guard in “Follow the Leader."

(A full meeting of the Earth Guard is occurring: Stallion, Broadband, Dr. Fast, Bumblebee, The Argus, and “Voodoo Lady” are present. General milling about.)

S: All right, everyone, all right. Thank you all for coming. I called this meeting to discuss the current situation with the Guard. As you all know, we’ve lost three members in the last week, which… well, to say it’s a team record would be an understatement. After resigning from the guard, Peaseblossom vanished- there’s no sign of her anywhere on the planet. Binary Girl has taken an extended leave while she deals with the loss of Peaseblossom. It is likely she’ll be back at some point, but she can’t say when, and has asked that we don’t wait for her. And now, most recently… last night, Mr. Fahrenheit quit the Guard upon his removal as our press secretary.

VL: So… we’re here to throw a party?

S: I’m afraid not… it seems Mr. Fahrenheit has agreed to sell his story to Ron Reilly and the Password.

(general uproar. “What?” “How could he do that?” etc.)

S: All right everyone, please! I’ve spoken with Todd Larsen, and he’s got lawyers working on things even as we speak. Mr. Fahrenheit signed a non-disclosure agreement when he joined the Guard… but it’s possible he may claim whistleblower status, which might tie things up, legally speaking, until after the story sees print. We need to be ready for the worst.

Bee: What kinds of things is he going to tell?

S: I can’t say for sure… but there’s no guarantee that any of us is safe. Any… liasons between team members, any in-team fighting-

BB: He’s at least as guilty of those things as any of us have been!

S: But given his record, I doubt he sees it that way. Just as a guess, likely topics for him to address would be our “strike” last year… the try-outs… Peaseblossom and Binary Girl’s relationship… Bumblebee, he’ll likely discuss your… liasons…

Bee: I’ve got nothing to hide.

S: Argus, I’m sad to say I wouldn’t put it past him to ‘out’ you and Captain Fantasy…

A: He wouldn’t!

S: I’m sure Reilly will ask about the death of Ocean Man, and us kicking him off the team… the murder of the Golden Eel-

Bee: Oh! Speaking of Eel! You want to tell them?

DF: Oh, please, go right ahead.

Bee: Well, we were working on the case earlier-

A: What? I thought you’d solved it.

VL: Yeah, Suspiria admitted she did it in the fight before she died.

Bee: Oh, sure! We know it was Suspiria, but we were still working on some of the loose ends. See, I was thinking about it, and I realized- why would Suspiria kill the Golden Eel now? I mean… sure, she’s a villain and all, but… she’d never even fought the Golden Eel, and all of a sudden she shows up in her base and kills her?

BB: Well, she had just joined the Earth Guard.

DF: Exactly what I said.

Bee: Yeah- but how does Suspiria know where Golden Eel lives? How does she know enough about her that she can sneak into her cave to kill her, even if she is invisible? I don’t think it was a coincidence that she’d just joined the Guard… what if we had some sort of leak? I mean, like some kind of breach in our security that was allowing Suspiria access to the Guard Tower? That would explain how she’d-

VL: Ok, I hate to interrupt this whole Encyclopedia Brown moment, but… who cares? A dead villain got information about a dead hero. They’re both dead.

A: But Voodoo Lady, this could be important. If the Guard has a leak-

VL: The Guard does have a leak, and he’s about to spill our personal information all over the front page of the password! Frankly, I’m more concerned with Mr. Fahrenheit that I am with some theoretical security breach that only affects a pair of corpses.

Bee: Nice attitude.

S: I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Voodoo Lady. We have more pressing matters to deal with than some details in a closed murder case. What to do about our former press secretary needs to be dealt with now.

BB: Frankly, Chuck, I don’t know what you were thinking putting him in that position in the first place.

S: This isn’t the time for second-guessing and blame.

VL: Of course you’d say that. You’re to blame.

S: Claire, please-

A: No… I’d like to hear what she has to say.

VL: You’re the reason we lost all three of them, Stallion. You’re the one who fired Mr. Fahrenheit from the job, and you’re the one who stupidly put him there in the first place- without consulting a single other member of the Guard, I might add.

S: I told him at the time-

VL: You were the one who was on Guard Duty when Binary Girl stormed off the team. The girl was in a fragile state of mind. Just what type of consolation did you offer her that she quit the team on the spot, huh?

S: That’s not fair, Birthday Boy took me over-

VL: Oh, that’s right- Birthday Boy. The sexist pig you voted to have join the Guard.

Bee: You were going to vote him on the team?

S: That was supposed to be a private session!

VL: Because you’re ashamed of your vote, which is understandable.

S: Now, hang on-

VL: And while none of us knows exactly why Peaseblossom left the Guard… Argus tells me that just before she quit, you had her working on all that budget filing nonsense for hours on end.

A: Well, yes, but I don’t think that was what made her leave the team…

VL: But it couldn’t have helped. You said she was in a lousy mood from then on.

A: That’s true…

VL: It certainly didn’t make me love the Guard.

Bee: That’s-

BB: Hang on… you had them working on the budget papers? I thought that was your job?

S: It is, I was just… I was delegating. The budget was due, and-

BB: Damn it, Chuck, you’re the leader of the Earth Guard! Getting this kind of paperwork done on time is your responsibility!

S: Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to fill out every line myself! I’m responsible for making sure it gets done, and it did. I’m the leader of the Earth Guard, Bob, not its personal secretary. I can tap members of the team to help with clerical work, if necessary.

DF: Stallion’s right. There’s no reason why those of us with little or no responsibilities can’t help out those with important jobs to do. Look at Bumblebee- she’s been far more useful helping me in the lab than she had been going around giving massages.

BB: Now, hang on a minute-

Bee: Oh, I’ll be back, silly.

VL: (to DF) But I suppose you’re too important to help with team finances?

DF: Of course I am. I’m far too busy with my experiments to help with any… paperwork. I’m sure Stallion realizes this. But if we’re talking about non-essential personnel who aren’t currently on Guard Duty, I see no problem with it.

A: Well, we… were on Guard Duty at the time. And I don’t think he was making allowances for important people… But, again, I don’t want to start any trouble!

BB: Now, wait just one minute! You had them doing your paperwork for you… during their shifts on Guard? Chuck, you know as well as I do, that goes against the whole idea of Guard Duty we set in the first place!

Bee: I think-

S: There’s no reason that, with two people on Guard Duty at a time, we can’t get a little work done once in a while as well! These things are important!

Bee: But, maybe-

BB: I know they’re important, that’s why we have someone whose job it is to make sure these things get done! That person is you, Chuck!

Bee: Howsabout-

S: Oh, come on, Bob! So, you want a team leader who is so bogged down in paperwork he doesn’t actually have time to fight crime? Remember fighting crime? It’s what the Guard is here for- not filing papers on time!

Bee: Um… Irving…?

BB: But papers need to be filed in order to-

DF: (Shouting loudly) Gentlemen, please! (more normal, but unhappy) A lady is trying to speak- a lady who, if you get to know her well, you’ll find to be quite insightful and intelligent!

S: Claire can fend for herself.

Bee: What?

DF: I was referring to Bumblebee. Ass.

S: I’m… I’m sorry, Bumblebee, I got flustered, we’re trying to work this out and-

Bee: And you don’t have time for a brainless sex-object.

S: No! That’s not what I was-

VL: I think it’s pretty clear that it was.

Bee: I can contribute to the team, you know.

S: I know that, I just-

VL: Do you? Because it seems to me you’ve been dismissing Bumblebee the entire time she’s been on the team.

S: You’re the one who didn’t understand why we were voting for her!

VL: Oh, and here I thought that was a private meeting! But as it turns out, maybe I did understand why you voted her on- you’re a sexist jerk. Bumblebee doesn’t need to put up with this, and neither do I.

Bee: Yeah!

VL: I’m leaving the team!

Bee: Wait… what?

VL: I’m not going to be a part of a team that tolerates this kind of sexism.

A: Voodoo Lady, wait-

VL: No! I’ve been silent about it for too long! Bumblebee, get out while you still can- it’s only going to get worse from here on in. Goodbye, Earth Guard- good riddance! (She leaves)

S: No, Claire! Wait! (too late) Bumblebee… Susie, I-

Bee: (tearing up) I’ve dreamt of being a member of the Earth Guard for my entire life…

S: You have to understand, I… I’m sorry. I’ve been under pressure… I’ll never disrespect you again.

Bee: No… no, you won’t. I won’t allow it.

S: Please-

Bee: I’m leaving. I’m… leaving. Irving?

DF: Oh. Ah, yes. Sorry, Stallion. If she goes… I’m sure we’ll see each other again.

(they both leave)

A: I’ve… got to go speak with Howard. (he leaves)

(pause)

BB: Good meeting.

S: Shut up, Bob.