Characters:
Narrator
Binary Girl
Dr. Fast
Argus
Newsman
The Allusionist

Narr: The Earth Guard - the planet's most powerful heroes united in the common goal of protecting the innocent people of planet Earth and defending them from threats of all kinds. From the Guard Tower, their base of operations, they watch over the citizens and spring into action at any sign of danger. To that end, the Guard take shifts monitoring events all over the globe. Sooner or later, they all have to take a shift of… Guard Duty. This week: Binary Girl and Dr. Fast in "Ones and Zeroes."

(Binary Girl is escorting the Allusionist into the tower.)

Allu: I see a beautiful city and a brilliant people' rising from this abyss, and, in their struggles to be truly free, in their triumphs and defeats, through long long years to come, I see the evil of this time and of the previous time of which this is the natural birth, gradually making expiation for itself and wearing out. I see the lives for which I lay down my life…

BG: (both, over him) You do know you’re not being executed, right? You’re being put in prison.

Allu: …peaceful, useful, prosperous and happy, in that England which I shall see no more. I see Her with a child upon her bosom, who bears my name. I see her father, aged and bent…

BG: (both) This is getting really annoying.

Allu: … but otherwise restored, and faithful to all men in his healing office, and at peace. I see the good old man, so long their friend, in ten years' time enriching them with all he has, and passing tranquilly to his reward.

BG: (both, over him) Ok, ok, you’ve memorized a book! Congratulations!

Allu: I see that I hold a sanctuary in their hearts- (annoyed) No, not a book. All books.

BG: (both) Can you do Laurel K. Hamilton?

Allu: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. All books… worth reading. Works of literature.

BG: (both) So, in other words, only snooty “literary” books. Which is why you’re doing Dickens.

Allu: It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have-

BG: (both) Or Shakespeare.

Allu: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me you ears-

BG: (both) How about Stephen King?

Allu: You did hear me say ‘literature’, did you not?

BG: (both) Can you do Melville?

Allu: I’d prefer not to.

BG: (both) Of Mice and Men?

Allu: Really, I can do any of them, but yes, of course. Steinbeck was a master.

BG: (both) Ok, then ‘Look across the river, Lennie, an’ I’ll tell you so you can almost see it.’ (She reforms and knocks him over the head, he falls unconscious.) Hey, you’re right! You did know your part. Impressive.

(she turns on the cell, and Dr. Fast runs into the tower)

DF: Is everything all right? Is the Allusionist in his cell? I’m sorry I’m late, I got caught up in my research.

BG: Late? It’s been about five minutes since we finished fighting the guy.

DF: I know, and I’m usually more responsible than that. I can be in two places at once and move at super-liminal speeds, there’s no excuse for me to be late for anything.

BG: Wh… did you… did you just say you can be in two places at once?

DF: Of course. As we speak, I am racing faster than the eye can see or mind can perceive between here and my lab, where Bumblebee and I continue to work on our murder investigation.

BG: You’ve got to be kidding me…

DF: No… we’re trying to solve the murder of the Golden Eel. It’s important. As we speak, I’m-

(Binary Girl splits, both start crying)

DF: (flustered) Oh. No, no, don’t… it’s… it’s all right. …pull yourself together…

BG: (remerge, but still crying) I thought –sniff- I thought –sniff- I thought… (loud cry)

DF: OK, um… There… there… there’s no need to… cry. She was a member of our team, but-

BG: (crying) No, it’s not that, it’s… if you’re a super genius, move at super speed, and can be in two places at once, what good am I? I thought at least I could do something original. Oh, God!

DF: No… that’s not true… you’re a… you’re a valuable member of the team.

BG: Really?

DF: … yes.

BG: You’re just saying that.

DF: No. I’m not.

BG: You think I add something to the team?

DF: Of course.

BG: What?

DF: Well… you… have… moxy. And… you seem to make Peaseblossom very happy.

(BG splits and sobs harder again)

DF: (faster, highly uncomfortable) Of course, you’ve saved the lives of numerous members of the Guard on countless occasions, which, in a ripple effect, saves the lives of thousands, no (does calcualting) million of people. I think all of those people would agree that you’re an invaluable addition to the team.

BG: (both) I’m useless!

DF: I remember once, during the Jovial Gas Lord invasion, you were the only one who could hold her breath for five minutes. If not for that, the Gas Lords likely would have enslaved all of mankind, so in that one instance, you could be said to have saved every person on the planet.

BG: (reforms) I’m sorry, you’re -–Sniff- you’re nice to say all those things. You’re a good man. You can go back to your experiments. I’ll be all right.

DF: Ah, yes. Thank you for that.

(He stops talking, and BG just weeps for a little bit. Then, she gets exceptionally loud.)

DF: But, something… something tells me that’s not all that’s bothering you.

BG: It’s nothing, it’s… it’s just personal stuff. You don’t want to hear about that…

DF: No, I… (almost defeated) I really do.

BG: Well… it’s Peaseblossom. Whenever the two of us are… together-

DF: Oh, Lord.

BG: She insists that I use… my powers. And she won’t let it go. She practically insists. Which, at first didn’t make me upset, because, well, it was my idea at first. I was the one who suggested it, I mean, it was, you know… good.

DF: Fine, yes.

BG: But now… what if that’s the only reason she likes me? Because I’m two girls instead of one? What if it’s just, you know, an efficient way to… to quench her appetites?

DF: Well… think about it logically. That can’t be true.

BG: No?

DF: If she was using you to… “quench her appetites”, as you said, then why would she want to be with Bumblebee as well? Obviously, you’re not quenching her appetites.

(Obviously, BG splits and cries even harder)

DF: No! No, just think it through! If you’re not satisfying her in every way, then what reason would she have to continue being with you? She must like you for some other reason, do you see? Hmm… perhaps… perhaps I’m not the best person to discuss your personal problems with. Would you like me to send Bumblebee up to speak with you? I’m sure she could-

BG: No… (reforms) –sniff- I’m not in the mood, crying gives me a headache… I just… I’m sorry to burden you with all this. I just need to get my mind off things, I think.

DF: That sounds like a good idea.

BG: Why don’t you… tell me about your… investigation?

DF: Ah. Well, we’d confirmed the cause of death as blunt trauma caused by being bludgeoned by the Golden Idol that gave her her powers, and now we’ve calculated, from the angle of impact and the blood pattern, that the killer was approximately five foot nine inches tall. In addition, Eel appears to have been standing in front of and looking into a mirror at the time of death, which suggests that she knew the killer and was unworried about their approach. So, we’ve been running any of her known associates who are about five foot nine.

BG: -sniff- Any leads?

DF: So far, we’ve only had one direct match, Officer Tom Kitsune, but he was in the precinct house, surrounded by witnesses.

BG: It’s weird. A super-hero gets killed, you think it has to be a super-villain who did it, not just some random friend of theirs.

DF: To be fair, she didn’t actually seem to have friends. That’s why we seem to be out of people to run. I did check the heights of all known villains, just in case, nothing wrong with being thorough, but no, the only height matches, she would have seen coming.

BG: True. They’d have to have been invisible or something.

DF: (having not thought of that) Er… yes, I suppose that would work. Hang on, let me…. (woosh, woosh) No, no villains with that ability match the height. I mean the Creationist might be able to make a device to render himself invisible, but he’s almost six five. Tangent could pull it off, but he’s far too short, and in prison. Suspiria could, but she’s only-

BG: She wears heels.

DF: Pardon?

BG: She always wears heels. A few inches at least. It’s part of her costume. Does her height factor those in?

DF: No, it…. No! They’d broken before she was taken in for her mugshot! Oh my, God, I think that’s it! I have to tell Bumblebee! It was Suspiria! Suspiria killed the Golden Eel! (woosh)

(Argus enters the room)

A: Hello there, Binary Girl! I’m here to pick up our sleeping friend over there and bring him to the Power House. How are things?

BG: Argus! Hey. Dr. Fast just figured out that-

A: Suspiria killed the Golden Eel, yes, I saw. I was watching, checking in on Allusionist here. Sorry about your troubles with Peaseblossom, by the way.

BG: Oh, uh… you… saw that, too.

A: It’s nothing to be embarrassed about! All couples have their troubles. Just the other day, Captain Fantasy and I had a huge brawl over hogging all the hot water. But, actually, I have some advice for you.

BG: … What’s that?

A: If you’re feeling mistreated, just lay down the law. Next time you’re together, just flat out refuse to use your powers. There’s no need for big fight, or a huge discussion explaining this or that- if she really cares about you, she’ll be with you for you, not your powers.

BG: You really think so?

A: Absolutely. Just say you’re not splitting and it’s that simple. She’ll probably surprise you with her reaction.

BG: Phew… maybe I will. I hope I will.

A: Well, I guess we should wake up sleeping beauty.

(alarm)

BG: (splits) Hang on- we’ve got one!

Newsman: -where the supervillain Suspiria has appeared, hovering over Times Square in what appears to be a flying Viking ship. The villainess has pledged to execute all present unless the Earth Guard shows up to fight her.

BG: (both) Whoa- speak of the deviless. That’s a coincidence.

A: It sure is! (on the comm.) Attention Earth Guard! The dastardly seductress Suspira is running amok in Times Square! We need all available heroes on site ASAP! Argus out.

BG: (both) Dastardly seductress?

A: She’s… comely.

BG: (both) Let’s get out of here. (they leave)